Hi.

27th April 2012

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It scares me

when I hear songs that I know could be me and you one day. When I read about the loves you never forget. About people taken for granted.

It scares me because even though we are so far from that, I know you will be that one in my life. No matter how much you could frustrate me, drive me crazy, or make me sad…I can’t picture ever sharing a love with someone like I do with you.

I don’t care if I’m young and naive. The fact that I’m scared tells me there’s some truth to this statement. And all I’m trying to do is experience the presence without tying you to the past or promising you to the future.

23rd April 2012

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To That Shit for Brains Boy That Doesn’t Understand the Supreme Awesome Nature of My Best Friend

Dear That Shit for Brains Boy That Doesn’t Understand the Supreme Awesome Nature of My Best Friend,

You are so dumb. You are really dumb. 

Antoine Dodson probably has more brains than you. I don’t give a flying fuck if you got into pharmacy school early, there is this thing called common sense that helps spur an individual through life. And you, my friend, obviously don’t have any of this.

First of all….what deformation is in your brain?! Lindsey Wilson is the fucking funniest person I’ve met in my entire life. And she’s not just the kind of funny that belongs on SNL (though plenty of her commentaries could be). She’s the kind of person who does or says something and it’s so clever that literally all you can do is sit there and cry from laughter and wish your brain was smart enough to think it up yourself. She is SMART funny. And anyone who doesn’t see that either has Shit for Brains, no sense of humor, or a large stick permanently shoved far up their ass. Honestly, I’d say all three apply to you. But since I don’t know you very well, I’ll let you pick one of three to describe you. (Might as well go with “Shit for Brains”, this term will be coming up a lot.)

Secondly, why kind of expectations did you have for a girl? Did you expect to find some ugly dumbfuck who never has fun, can’t make a joke to save her life, and enjoys all of your shitty friends? If so, then you are totally right that Lindsey isn’t right for you. She far exceeds those expectations and I’m sure she totally made you feel like a Shit for Brains when you realized what a girl you scored. Probably what you meant to say was that you are a lead headed fuck who never dreamed of scoring a girl as beautiful, smart, and hilarious as Lindsey. I wouldn’t be surprised if you spent 95% of the relationship trying not to jizz your pants in front of her. Totally understandable. But you shouldn’t have covered that up with all of that “low expectations” bullshit.

Thirdly, I can’t figure out what you meant by calling Linds “too reserved”. Last time I checked Lindsey was the life of any party, which you might know if, at 21 years old, you actually took the time to go out and party. She’s also been a total social butterfly since moving to Tucson, making friends everywhere so that I can’t even keep track of who she’s hanging out with. I mean, how do “reserved” girls score leadership positions in the Newman Center? Hope you feel like a Shit for Brains every time you see her beautiful blonde head enter Newman! 

So, Mr. Shit for Brains, it was nice meeting you in Chipotle that one time. But other than that, I’m glad my best friend has the opportunity to move on and meet someone who has far better taste in music, is more engaged with society, and will take the chance of going out and having fun at twenty-one-fucking-years-old.

Sincerely,

LW’s Best Friend
 

24th February 2012

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hurro

I am Linnea Bennett. I’m 19, which I feel like is a weird number to be. But I like it better than 20 and way more than 18. My favorite age ever was 17. I don’t think anything particularly significant happened during my 17th year, but I just really loved the number. The best songs are written about being 17. It’s a good time of life. 19 isn’t so bad either.

I write papers the morning they’re due. If I took more time, I’d probably do really spectacular. But, I always end up with a low A so until some teacher starts kicking my ass, I am probably going to remain this lethargic. Life of an English major.

Also, what’s with me calling myself an “English Major”….it just sounds….prententious? You know? I love writing and right now I’m taking this Shakespeare class that is essentially teaching me that 16th century England is way more badass than current day America can ever hope to be. That’s the real reason why I’m studying English; because I love it. That’s all college is about, right? Studying what you love, studying what you hate so you can get your dg degree, listening to weird music, different hair colors, and writing papers the day they’re due. I like this about college. I really like college. And I mean that when I say that.

18th January 2012

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I’ve been full of bullshit

for what seems like forever. I feel like I bullshit my way around school, friends, family. I read what I’ve written in journals and I get so angry at what I’ve written. Everything sounds so non-offensive, so justified. Like a girl who is in control of her life. But I’m not. In fact, that’s the furthest thing from where I’m at. But to acknowledge that is a nice feeling. I don’t know what to do. I am definitely lost.

This desire to be rid of all the bullshit started last week after I opened another scathing e-mail from my Dad. Though they sounded like all the other ones he’s sent me in the last year, this one sent me over the edge. I ran out of my dorm and sat outside on the coldest night of January so far just writing and writing and writing. And when I look back and read what that entry says, I almost feel relieved. For once I finally wrote down how much pain and hurt I’ve been storing up inside me. I didn’t want to try and force a positive mindset on myself. I didn’t want to justify my feelings. I felt like shit. And that was it.

Now I’m trying to find a way to erase all the bullshit from my life. That means letting my roommate/suitemate get to know the real me. The girl who got drunk off her ass on New Year’s, who has a boyfriend, who loves internet memes and dry inappropriate humor, and who likes what they call “hipster music”. I’m sick of fitting everyone’s molds just so that we can get along. I used to think it was good that I could fit myself into every situation. But now I just want to find the situation that fits me.

I think having a facade has worn me down, made me tired. I want to say that’s the biggest reason why I’ve been such a shitty friend to most people in my life for at least the last year. I’m too tired to reply to friends, too indifferent to keep up with their lives. But sometimes, my friends are the only things that keep me sane. And they are so important to me because they make me so happy. My new goal is to try and work towards being the person I once was, to stop being so self-centered and to be a better friend. I’m hoping I haven’t destroyed certain relationships (Morgs). And I’m also hoping I haven’t let down those who mean the most to me (I’m so sorry about the phone call, Linds. I feel so shitty about it, and I’m calling you today).

That’s mostly all I have to say for today. But just writing it down makes me feel like maybe I’m taking small steps to the change I want. 

2nd January 2012

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Goodbye 4236

Goodbye bedroom

Goodbye pale yellow walls

Goodbye summer nights holed up in here writing, ever since I was twelve years old

Goodbye first time I learned how to ride a bike

Goodbye memories of Dad

Goodbye broken closet doors, and creaky upstairs floor boards

Goodbye place we first brought Zoe home

Goodbye mornings on the couch

Goodbye kitchen filled with warm morning light

Goodbye childhood

Goodbye adolesence

Goodbye highschool

Goodbye front room Christmas tree

Goodbye set of stairs

Goodbye wildflowers in the front yard each and every spring

Goodbye some of the best summers of my life

Goodbye remaining furs of Zoe

Goodbye the only life I’ve ever known

Goodbye 4236 E. Cathedral Rock Dr.

It’s been an excellent 18 years.

26th December 2011

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Everything

feels shot to hell

16th November 2011

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hello.

I am becoming extremely attached to a house I will no longer call home in less than two months

I am resenting the friends who have false perceptions about how and who I spend my time with, mostly because they never take the time to ask

I am missing my best friend more and more every day. At first it was hearing her voice. Now it’s because everything feels like winter, and winter means picking her up for long drives, starbucks, mix cd’s, and profound thoughts expressed in chilly air.

I can’t even talk about my anxiety with school simply because it makes me want to cry every time I try and think about it

I have never been in such desperate need for a job

I am just sitting here complaining. There’s really no value to anything I have to say right now, I just feel like writing. Because that is just about the only thing I pro-actively do.